Warning: I am not at all sure where this is going.

Recently I’ve been contemplating friendships (or relationships, what have you). Why we are friends with some and not others, why we start up friendships and why we end them, why we keep hanging on and when we gently (or maybe not gently at all) let go.

Looking back on life, I think I’ve usually held my friendships to a very high standard. Those who know me from way way back know that I had (still have?) some “hard to put your finger on” gauge by which I judge the quality and value of my friendships. There are certainly those who have run into that fence and then found themselves on the other side of it. I have no doubt that I, too, have crossed lines with friends and am therefore no longer on their holiday card list (I’m being snarky, but always truthful).

My boundary is clear to me and surely abrupt to others. One of the things I value most highly in my friendships is honesty; specifically, the ability to speak honestly about one another. It is not news to me that others frequently find me irksome, annoying, “a dick,” what have you. I am not new to this rodeo. My outspokenness is often the source of my trouble in friendships — what I see as honest, others see as criticism. Now that’s an interesting topic — “criticism” puts a negative spin on honesty, whereas for me it’s really more about just being truthful with one another, something I believe friendship should be based in.

I have won some and lost some, and I have put the work in to maintain some and have chosen to step away from some that I think are not longer worth the maintenance (are friends like cars, you need to know when it’s time to trade them in?). I’ve been accused of being cold – so perhaps this is where that comes to bear.

I think when we are younger it is easier for us to make friends because we are still in the exploratory stages and refining what we think of things. As we age, time speeds up because we’ve experienced more and have learned (one hopes) how to maximize the enjoyment of the time we have left by narrowing down our experiences to those we like and those we still wish to explore. Friends who can survive that whole ride are surely there because they have survived the collective experience curve, the process of picking up, considering, keeping or discarding, as if Life was a game of poker (or mahjong, perhaps)..

In case you are wondering, I am struggling with some of the effort I’m putting into friendships and relationships and wondering if this is how my cherished remaining hours should be spent when my list of ‘how to spend that time’ grows ever longer…. At the same time, I am also wondering why my friends like me – what is it that I bring to the friendship that makes time with me valuable to them.

My guess is that this is more than just one post (and perhaps a call to find a new therapist!). Or perhaps it merely means I need a nap.

Life choices can be so complicated. I get why people want to be hermits. TG my dog doesn’t care much about any of this!