Lately I have had the feeling that I am nearing the end of the road. It isn’t a feeling of fear or depression or anxiety, it is just a sensation that I’ve been trying to better understand.

I retired recently, so it could be that cutting loose the anchor of a daily schedule has set me emotionally adrift a bit – I certainly wouldn’t be the first to feel a bit rudderless in retirement. Reorienting oneself to all this freedom (yet it feels so much busier to me!) might well cause the inner workings to fall into a fatalistic contemplation of the meaning of life. Yup, that could definitely be one cause.

I’ve also been experiencing a great sense of loss lately, some my own and some the loss – present or future – of others dear to me. Last year at this time a dear friend died quickly of cancer — literally within 60 days or less. I think I’m still processing that rapid departure.

I heard from a family member of an old friend with whom I’d lost contact that he’d died in December. His sense of humor was infectious and I used to love having him share his view of the world with me.

Another very dear friend of very long standing announced the other day that they had come unpleasantly close to death a few weeks back. I am still processing the fact that the call might have been their spouse informing me of their demise. This may sound selfish, but I would have felt deprived of the chance to say goodbye, to have one last chance to really connect.

And maybe that’s the feeling I am dealing with — grief at not having had the chance to tell someone I love them, that I will miss them, that it’s been meaningful for me to have known them and that — good times or bad times – they’ve been an important person on this journey, that they’ve made a difference by being there and I appreciate that.

So this is not new, I suppose. We never really know when that last moment is that we’ll see a friend, a lover, a family member. And we never know who we’ll get to say goodbye and thank you to or who we’ll never get to say that to. I jokingly say to my spouse, “I’ll miss you when you’re gone.” But it’s not really a joke, is it? I mean, maybe the joke is that I’ll die first and maybe we won’t be together when that happens – again, you never know. I really just want him to know that I’ve really appreciated our time together on this path.

Gosh I hope this isn’t morose – I certainly don’t intend it to be. And please don’t call me all worried like – just call me and say you were thinking of us and wanting to touch base, catch up, hear each other’s voice, remember why we’re friends….

I just wanted to share this feeling I’ve had and try and scratch underneath the surface a bit to see what’s driving it all..

And just maybe all I really want is to tell people that I love and appreciate them so that they know.

[btw, artwork by me; gouache april 2025; egret in ueno park, tokyo]